Rad? Life
Yo, My name is Alexia. I got this crazy idea to make a blog and here I am. I guess this first one is going to be about my life and all the things I've learned and experienced. Fun right? Always feel free to check back to here because I'll be doing a blog every week! Here goes nothing, or everything?...
The first maybe 13 years of my life went smoothly. You know the fighting with your sibling phase, being a complete nugget head, falling in love in one day, ugly VERY ugly stages in childhood. You name it. When I got to high school it was a completely different scene I started to realize that I'm not like everyone else. I was the only one from my friends group that had big curly hair, the only black girl (not really because obviously I'm half white), the only one who had to wake up early at a sleepover to go to church on sunday. The list goes on and on.
At age 15, I experienced a lot. I got my first concussion, couldn't participate in school the whole 9 yards. Later that year I got in a car accident and smacked my head on the dashboard leaving me in an ambulance not knowing where I was. Concussion after concussion and different ER rooms every time. That started my migraine stage. Well i wouldn't say stage because I still to this day have terrible migraines. I got diagnosed with chronic migraines. I lived in the dark. I had trouble focusing, learning, living.
And then came 2013. A year i will never forget. April 21st, 2013 very very early in the morning we stayed up all morning surrounding my Aunt. Auntie Annie. She was diagnosed with breast cancer about 3-4 years prior. She had struggled with it and fought for so long. I was so glad to see how strong she had been. From laughing so hard and loud to crying in pain. She still had my heart. The last words she said to me was "I love you too." When I think back to that moment of tears and her taking her last breath it rips me apart. After she died, I experienced depression. Very harsh depression. I couldn't eat, sleep, I couldn't even be in a room with anyone. I was always afraid to get close to my family members because I was afraid of losing another one. Nothing was the same. Not even get togethers at my grannys. It became unbearable. Anxiety set in and I would have panic attacks. I guess the thought of everything took over me. Were people looking at me because of my depression? Did I look depressingly ugly? Who knows. Mall trips turned into trips to the bathroom to puke. Yeah YUCK. The only place I felt remotely comfortable was my bedroom. People didn't understand. I lost many of my friends then. My parents noticed a change in me but I would always say i was fine. I wasn't. But i guess they knew me well. I went to Therapy. I felt like a robot. Having to tell her whats wrong, what i feel. When i didn't want to talk about it at all. It was haunting me everywhere i went.
When May came around, everything got a million times worse. I was up in my room on twitter just scrolling through my timeline and i saw something i didn't want to. My best friend Gabe got rushed to the hospital. It kind of sucked because his sister was our age too but i never was really close to her. So basically i depending on her tweets and texts from my best friends at the time. Later that night the bad news came. He was gone. That fast. Why was this happening? Everything was so surreal that I didn't know how to feel. Numbness came. His funeral did too. He looked so Gabe. I would never imagine seeing him like that for a million years. At that point I didn't want to go on. I couldn't. Things got so tough for me that I wasn't mentally able to go on.
From having so much depression and anxiety. I was in and out of the hospital almost every week. Maybe like 3 months later, I was diagnosed with depression and chronic IBS. I lost so much weight. I missed so much school. I remember this one time in class, my teacher even knew. I had tears in my eyes the whole class and she told me to go see my dad. (He was the resource officer at my school) As soon as I got to his office, I instantly started gagging. There was nothing more I could do, seriously its so repetitive but SO relevant.
Eventually things started to become easier but I just tried to forget about Auntie Ann and Gabe. If I were to think about them, I just would be taken back to this dark place. The whole time I was going through all of this, I still continued to go to church. I remember a sermon being spoken and He said "Whatever you are going through, its over." At that moment I felt relief. I learned then and there that I couldn't carry everything I had in my life. I had to let GO and let GOD.
After high school, I have always dreamed of being in the medical field but i didn't know what for exactly. I began reading a book for a nursing class. It was about a cancer patient, on hospice. IRONIC much? It really touched my life so much that I decided to set my goal of being an oncology nurse and eventually get my nurse practitioner. College was hard and very stressful though. My second year, I withdrew from The University of Akron and a couple months later enrolled in an LPN program. I learned that this route of school is much QUICKER to get to my BSN. God led me in the right way.
So today, when I was sitting in class. We were talking about cancer patients and it led me to this. I feel like blogging is such a good outlet to express your feelings. And to let people know that they AREN'T alone. If you feel that way I beg you to please get help. Seek God, a therapist, a doctor, a friend, anyone. There are more than a billion people in the world, love someone and love yourself.
Now I am just living the dream. School and rad things. Im trying to find myself. Find the things that I enjoy and just love my life! I'm not happy always but I am trying to find my happiness in God and through escaping the world! Photography, drawing, painting, participating in many different events, establishing new places to explore, spending time with friends and family, doing Northeast Ohio Rocks (check it out of Facebook, so cool!) I'm so very thankful for being alive and well. God has really blessed me. I think I'm going to try new stuff and post it on here. Maybe blog? DOPE! See you soon.
Thank you for showing my blog some love. (If you got this far)
PS. The yellow represents my Aunt Annie. Rest In Heaven my love.
And also, Rest in heaven to my best friend Gabe. Love you bud.